Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
