true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
