Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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