Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
