And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
