Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
