I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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