i wish starbucks made bloody marys
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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