we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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