you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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