Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I cannot find my penis.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
