im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
