How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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