At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just blew my weed a kiss
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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