Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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