my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
