my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
