Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Fuck appropriateness.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
