Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
