She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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