He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
