it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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