I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
