her vagine was all disorganized.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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