would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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