All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
