sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
