just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
