new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
