If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
