I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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