I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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