Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
