Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
