finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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