Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
