Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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