i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
