the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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