Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
