Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
