Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
