Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
