The maid of honor just puked.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
