omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
