connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
