so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
