I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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