I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
