There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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