I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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